The 3 in Me

        Over the past year, I have noticed a real shift in the way I think about myself, my body, and my reflection.  You know those really are three separate entities:  Three separate Me-s.  I think we all have this trifold view of ourselves to some extent, and part of becoming a better person (whether one is talking weight loss, or any other goal one wants to accomplish) is being able to merge these personas into one whole self concept.
     When I think about myself,  this is who I am on the inside.  The me without the weight.  The crux of my inner being (okay that sounds a little hokey and new-agey but that's really what it is.)  This is the me that doesn't change.  The me that would be there if I weighed 100 pounds or 500 pounds.  But sometimes, as an overweight person, I get bogged down in the weight to an extent that this part of myself doesn't shine through.  I think that like me, many people with weight problems get so caught up in the "I can'ts" and the "I wish I coulds" that they deny the very parts of themselves that are the most honest and true and real.  We put up walls to protect ourselves, and sometimes these walls are so high, or so thick that our authentic self is trapped.  This is sad.
     The second aspect of myself is my body--the outside shell that houses the inner goddess inside (and we all need to start thinking of ourselves as goddesses--positive self talk girls).  This is the me that we project to the world.  Since everyone else can't look inside to see the me that's in there, sometimes this outside view is as good as gets.  And unfortunately, people often judge the outside covering without ever taking the time to dig deeper to get to know the real person who dwells underneath.
     While  my body is definitely not where I want it to be right now, it sure is a hell of a lot better than it was this time last year.  For that I'm grateful--and damn proud of myself.  Still, I get frustrated by my body's limitations.
     I want to be a runner.  I have these dreams where I run and run and run without getting out of breath.  I'm fast, I'm flying! (wait, maybe that's another dream).  While I can run a much greater distance and for a much longer amount of time now that when I started, I am still not satisfied with what my body allows me to accomplish.
     Aside from my athletic shortcomings, another aspect of my body that still erks me is my clothing size.   I'm now shopping for most of my tops and dresses in the regular misses department but I'm still scouring the racks in the plus size department for pants (except that one blessed pair of regular 18s I found yesterday!).  This KILLS ME!  I absolutely hate it.  It is degrading.  I just have to keep telling myself that with time, this too will change.
    The final piece that makes up my identity is the me that stares back from inside the mirror.  Before I started dieting, I avoided looking in the mirror.  I hated having my picture taken.  I didn't want to see the person that I knew others saw.    I'm going to get real here.  I know that people look at me and see a fat person.  Before I started dieting, they saw an even fatter one.  The worst thing was when I looked in the mirror, I saw an even bleaker picture than everyone else was viewing.  I often mentally likened myself Pillsbury Doughboy or the Michelin Man.  I couldn't see the big expressive eyes that I have.  I couldn't see an alabaster complexion (okay, I have a few zits but who's counting).  All I saw was fat.  Thunder thighs, stretch marks, cellulite, love handles, and cups that runneth over.  I felt like a freak.   I'm not going to tell you that I've found some miracle balm to heal all of my self esteem woes.  Far from it.  But since I've been taking command of my weight, I have noticed that I'm liking that person in the mirror a whole lot better.  I am beginning to be able to see more of the real me in my reflection---and that is a fantastic feeling!  I'm giving myself permission to explore the vice of vanity, and its really kind of exciting.
      So, am I there yet?  Have I merged the the physical, emotional, and visual aspects of myself back into one?  Not by a long shot.  I still struggle.  I look so forward to the day that the person in the mirror, and the person I present to the world are the same person that dwells inside my soul.  But in the words of Virginia Slims (and not that I'm advocating that ;)) , "I've come along way, Baby," and I'm finally beginning to enjoy the ride.