I Know You Mean Well, But...

    I recently saw a brochure that offered advice on how to tackfully offer encouragement and support to the bereaved.  It detailed helpful and encouraging comments and also outlined phrases and platitudes that are best avoided.  For example, best not to tell your recently widowed neighbor that her "husband will be waiting for her on the other side,"  because all she's going to hear is," you're so old that you'll probably kick the bucket next."  Important stuff to know.  Nobody wants to cram their foot down their throat at the funeral home.  I've seen it done a couple of times--and its not pretty.  This brochure got me to thinking.  Why isn't there a similar guide that tells folks how not to talk to fat people?  It seems to me that there is an awful lot of unsolicited advice and condescending comments flying out of the mouths otherwise rational, likable, and well-meaning skinny folks.  Somehow, hurtful as these comments are, they seem to be acceptable in our society.  I've got news for you.  They aren't.  Here's my list of things not to say to anyone with a weight problem. 

1.  "You've got such a pretty face."  This is the classic.  Now, I know all you grandmas and skinny bitches mean well when you say this, but all us overweight girls hear is "It's a shame you're such a lard ass." 

2. "You know, you're going to get diabetes" (or heart disease, or cancer, or scurvey, or rabies, or whatever other scare tactic they can round up).  Here's the problem with this one.  Yes, there is some truth in this comment.  Everyone (even those of us with a weight problem) knows that excess weight carries health risks.  But here's the deal.  Unless you're my doctor, don't give me medical advice.  I've heard it before.  It already stresses me.  I don't need your nagging to add to my stress.  It makes me feel hopeless, and that is the opposite of helpful.

3. " Should you be eating that?"  I wish I had a picture to go with this one.  There's this face.  A face that says, "I'm judging you..."  No one likes to be judged, whether its for what they are eating, how many sexual partners they've had, or how they raise their kids.     Either I am all too aware that what I'm eating is not good for me, and already feel guilty, or I'm doing the absolute best I can.    I might even be on a diet plan that you don't know anything about.  For example, crazy as it might sound to you, I reserve enough calories every day so that I can have a Coke.  I feel guilty when people that know I'm on a diet see me drinking it.  (okay, I know that sounds like an addict---I'm in therapy)  But, that little luxury helps me stay on track in other areas.  The bottom line is what I eat is my business, not anyone else's.

4.  "Your body is shaped like a triangle--no, no, a circle..."  Lane Bryant is usually a fat girl's friend, but I will have to say that if her sales girl ever tries to play geometry with my body again, I might punch her in the face. 

5.  "You know, if you would only exercise more, eat less, eat this, eat that, buy this....."  If you aren't me, then you don't know what I'm going through.  You don't know what will be a magic bullet for me.  You know, there aren't any magic bullets.   Overweight women know they have a problem.  They want to help themselves.  Most have tried everything in the book at least once.  The key is for each individual to find what works for them.  It is a personal issue, and quite frankly not your business. 

6.  "If you'd just try harder"  Being over weight is difficult in and of itself.  If you have never struggled with weight you don't know.  Sometimes trying is not just physical.  Its mental and emotional too.  Sometimes our emotional feelings about our weight are an even bigger stumbling block than the physical stuff.  I don't know any obese person that doesn't "try."  We try every day. 

7. "Have you ever thought about surgery?"  Ouch.  The answer is probably yes.  If someone is big enough to look like they might need it, then I can damn well gaurantee you that they have thought about it.  Here's the deal.  Surgery is a big deal.  It is life and death.  It is a total life changer. I don't know anyone who jumps up and down saying "Please staple three-fourths of my stomach closed and reroute my intestines!  That sounds like loads of fun!"   There might be a variety of reason someone chooses to have gastric bypass or chooses to forgo the knife.  Suggesting surgery when you don't know the particulars of someone else's case is not helpful. 

     The thing to remember is that people are people, no matter whether they weigh 110 pounds or 510 .  All people deserve and want to be respected and free from judgement.  Being overweight is hard enough as it is.  Don't make it harder on those of us who stuggle by saying things that, however unintentially, will only cause us greater pain.