When I go shopping, I'm generally the kind of person who wants to be left alone. I like to browse without having some salesperson breathe down my neck--sniffing me out to see if I'm going to help up their commission. Case in point: When I go to Macy's it seems like I can't even step a toe over the line of the shoe department before some sales person pounces on me. Helpful service is one thing, but feeling like you are being stalked by some jungle cat when you are just looking for a cute pair of sandals is quite another. I hate it! So why is it, that today, when I got exactly what I always say that I want--when the people working the floor let me be--why was it that my brain turned it around into something quite unsettling?
Today, I shopped at a store where I haven't been able to fit into anything in YEARS. I've been in there a few times in the past month and a half or so, because I was feeling fairly certain I was on the cusp of being able to fit into what they sell. A week or so ago, I went in there briefly and tried one thing on. It didn't' fit. I got discouraged and walked out. Today, I put on my big girl panties (aptly so, considering where I was) and decided to give it another go. I walked in---a little self conscious (Okay, a lot self conscious) and proceeded to browse. Many of the things I could still just eyeball and say, "yep…still not going to work…" But there were some things that I decided were worth taking back to the fitting room. As I was shopping though, NOT ONE SINGLE sales associate approached me. Like I said, normally, I would have been delighted to have been left alone to shop at my leisure, but today, I had a running commentary of negativity flowing though my brain. It went something like this:
"You are too big to wear anything in this store…no one wants to waste their time helping you because they know that you won't be buying anything."
"See that sales person and customer over there…she's helping her because she's thin. She's belongs in here. You don't.
"Everyone in this store is thinking, 'who is that fat ass kidding. Even if she can shimmy into some of these things, she's still going to look like a beached whale in them'"."
"None of the sales people want to help you because if you take something into the dressing room and try to shove yourself into it, you might bust the seams and destroy it."
Somehow, despite the horribly negative self talk I subjected myself to, I did make it to the dressing room with a few items. You know, I'm really glad I did. When I got back there, two other customers were waiting. Two other normal sized women. Two women that probably haven't struggled with weight like I have. And you know what they said to me?
"What is going on in here today? There is no attendant in the dressing room, and hardly anybody on the floor. Must be shift change or something. Do you think we should just go back and put ourselves in a dressing room?"
Talk about a reality check. The sales people weren't ignoring me because I was fat. They weren't ignoring me because I was not worth their time. They weren't ignoring me because God forbid I might pop an underwire. The bottom line is they weren't waiting on me because they weren't there, or they were busy with someone else!
At that point I decided I just needed to get over myself and turn off the ugly self talk. It's unhealthy. It's lethal to my self esteem. It isn't worth my time or the way it makes me feel. The kicker is, when you have talked down to yourself for so long, it is hard to stop. But, I'm going to make it a point to try. Negative self talk is a habit--just like over eating. It is going to take time to break it.
I left that store today with a new perspective. I also left the store with a little pink bag…and I was pretty damn proud of myself for both.
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