I really try to stay positive about my weight loss. I try to use this blog as a vehicle for self motivation, and as a way to empower others who share my struggle. But here's what I'm going to tell you folks…sometimes, despite the rewards I know I am reaping, and the promise of future success… sometimes the whole process of losing weight just plain sucks.
I'm going to get real here. I feel a lot of guilt sometimes about the things I eat, and sometimes I really fear failure. I'm so afraid that even after all the ground I've gained fighting this demon called obesity, in the end, the food and the fat are still going to win. It is a daily struggle. It is as much of a mind game as it is mouth game. At times it is all consuming.
This week, I'm struggling because there are so many opportunities to screw up--and I'm really afraid I'm going to. It's a week where I'm going to have to make some difficult decisions and set some priorities in order to keep my eating in check.
Already, I've been tempted with a delicious muffin this morning courtesy of one of my sweet students. If you are a teacher, you know that sometimes we get homemade treats from our students that are a little less than desirable--cat hair bourbon balls at Christmas, that sort of thing. You know, the kind of treats where you smile and say thanks but secretly stash it under a stack of papers in your of your colleague's trash can. Not so with this one. Not only was it full of cinnamony goodness, but it was from a fastidiously clean household.
Later, during our faculty meeting, one of my coworkers was lauded as Special Education Professional of the Year. Part of the celebration involved cake. Not just any old cake, but an exquisite buttercream from one of my favorite bakers. Had the cake been a Walmart special, I wouldn't have felt cheated by foregoing it---but when it come's from Thelma it is oh-so-hard to resist! (I did, and I felt cheated). P.S. If you don't know Thelma--trust me, you are missing out!
Tomorrow, we have teacher appreciation lunch courtesy of our PTO. I really look forward to this every year. I think I've got my calories figured out, and I have already planned my limits for what I will eat tomorrow, but having to spend the time to work all that out is taxing. Why must I love Mexican food as much as I do if it has to be so high in calories?
Later in the week, my mom and I are going to a mother/daughter banquet. I'm pretty sure that the menu is fried chicken or pot roast. Not sure how I'm going to ensure healthy choices there. Knowing that I have to worry about it makes me stress. Since this is a church function, perhaps I should just give those calories over to Jesus. But something tells me that, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
Last but not least, Sunday is Mother's Day. That means lunch with my family and dinner with the boyfriend's family. Normally, I'd just take this as my cheat day, but with the other challenges I'm facing this week, I'm not sure I can do that. I think I'm going to evaluate my weight loss progress for the week and make a decision on what I'm going to eat Sunday based on that. I hate thinking of whether or not I can eat meals with my family as "time off for good behavior," but that really what's going through my head right now--and I don't' think that's healthy.
So, here's the deal folks. I'm feeling grumbly. I'm feeling stressed. I'm feeling like sometimes it just isn't worth the hassle. BUT---Then I look at some of my pre weight loss pictures, and it puts things in perspective. I just have to keep telling myself that I'll get through this week. Even if my weight stays static or God forbid I gain a pound, I'm not going to gain back everything I've lost up until this point due to one lousy week. I need to enjoy myself, keep within my limits, and stop worrying about it incessantly. The hard thing is putting that all into practice.
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